


Fuck the Future

by libellules



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Future Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Roadtrips, Self-Esteem Issues, protective Alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 01:07:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16186904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libellules/pseuds/libellules
Summary: “I miss you.”“I’ve been right here.” His voice had become so soft, something that Alex still hadn’t quite gotten used to. It wasn’t the sweet soft voice that Justin would use to comfort Alex, it was the hesitant and insecure soft.“I can still miss you. I love you,” Alex mused, pressing a kiss to his temple. Justin clutched onto his chest, his fingers were so cold.or Alex worries, Justin wallows, they rent a hotel room.





	Fuck the Future

It had been four years since the tapes. Five years of change, and five years worth of things staying exactly the same. 

The changes were mostly good. Bryce was in jail, possibly the best of the changes. 

Jess has stopped drinking after she almost died of alcohol poisoning senior year. Her father had forced her into rehab, which had been hard on her but she stopped drinking. Her brain was still permanently fucked she had made some friends in rehab who were really helping her get through everything. Sometimes she would swap emails with Alex, but she didn’t keep in contact with the others. 

Clay had apparently found a new girlfriend, or at last that’s what his Instagram caused Alex to believe. His smile looked pretty real too. He was going to school somewhere on the east coast, somewhere in Virginia or Pennsylvania, Alex couldn’t remember which it was. 

Alex hadn’t really heard from Courtney, Tyler or Zach, but Justin had mentioned that Zach had gotten hurt in a car accident during sophomore year of college and was done playing basketball. He had decided to start studying marine biology, which might’ve made up for the injury in Zach’s eyes. 

And then there was Justin. When Jess had been rushed to the ER during a party senior year Justin broke. He and Jess didn’t talk, she hadn’t ever forgiven him. Justin had never forgiven himself either, and he was always keeping a distant eye on her to make sure she was okay. He knew that so much of her downward spiral was his fault. He had been falling apart since the tapes, everyone could see it. He had spent most of senior year living with Alex. He had helped Alex a lot in the months after Alex’s suicide attempt. He hadn’t judged him even for a moment, and had been the friend Alex had always needed. And in return, Alex had given Justin the Home and the family he so desperately needed. 

Justin hadn’t gotten an athletic scholarship for school, he had been too depressed during senior year and it affected his playing. It had crushed him, he had no money and his grades were pretty much shit. Alex had decided to go to school locally, it was cheap with in-state tuition and he could live at home with Justin. During freshman year, they began to realize they both wanted to be more than friends. By the end of the year they were dating and they somehow managed to survive with only a few big fights. 

But still sometimes when Alex layed in bed at night with Justin beside him, he would wonder how life had managed to go on after everything that had happened to them. The Hannah incident had fucked them both up pretty badly, on top so many other issues that were already there. Justin marveled Alex sometimes at how much he could withstand. His dad had left him and his mother before Justin was old enough to have a memory of him, and then his mom turned to drugs and crappy boyfriends. Justin turned to Bryce most of his childhood, which just led to even more issues. What he had done to Jess still gave him nightmares, and then not getting into college really threw him over the edge. Justin hadn’t been doing well for a while. He was quieter now, less enthusiastic about the world, lacked the confidence he had when they first met. But Alex didn’t see that empty feeling of depression inside him, the one that tempted a person to take their own life. He watched out for it though. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

He looked over at him, really looked at him. He still had the same face, a little skinnier than it should be and a little less happy, but still looking in Alex’s own eyes with the same love. Justin was fucked up, but he was everything to Alex. He reached across the mattress and wrapped his arm around Justin’s back, shortening to gap between them. 

They didn’t cuddle as much as they used to. They had been together long enough that they cared more about getting enough sleep than being constantly connected. But this past week had been tough, it was midterm week and Alex had been up late studying every night. By the time he got in bed Justin had been asleep for hours. 

“I miss you.” 

“I’ve been right here.” His voice had become so soft, something that Alex still hadn’t quite gotten used to. It wasn’t the sweet soft voice that Justin would use to comfort Alex, it was the hesitant and insecure soft. 

“I can still miss you. I love you,” Alex mused, pressing a kiss to his temple. Justin clutched onto his chest, his fingers were so cold. “Want to watch a movie?” 

“It’s already eleven,” he exclaimed as if he had already become a tired old man. 

“Let’s watch something funny. I need to hear you laugh.” Justin looked up at him with a smirk, but a smile nonetheless. “Come on, I’ll make popcorn and we’ll get a fuzzy blanket.” 

“Okay, but I get to pick the movie.” 

“Deal.” And with that he threw the covers off and pulled them both up. Alex strolled into the kitchen to make the popcorn as Justin rounded up the softest blankets he could find. Their apartment was fairly small, so they were easy to wrangle. 

Justin was hidden away under three of the blankets when Alex entered the living room. He put the tray of popcorn, pretzels, and fruit on the coffee table and smiled down at his boyfriend. Putting his arms under the blanket-engulfed boy, he scooped it all into his lap. He had been training and going to the gym all the time so that when he was done with school he could take his police exam. But still, Justin shouldn’t have felt so light. 

“Babe, what did you eat today?” Justin was quiet but looked up at him with guilty eyes. He wasn’t anorexic or bulimic, so he said, but he had been having trouble the past year or so when it came to remembering to eat all of his meals. It was hard to see him like this sometimes. 

“I ate Alex, okay?” 

“Okay. Let’s eat something now though.” He picked up the bowl of fruit and set it in Justin’s lap. Justin began eating and Alex felt a wave of relief. He cuddled the boy in as close as he could. Justin’s spine presses against his own chest, he could practically count the vertebrae. 

The past two years he had really begun to feel the roles reversing. At the beginning, it had always been Justin taking care of Alex. He had held him as he sobbed and held his hand when he woke up screaming. He had been a rock. And now, now it was so different. Justin was so fragile, he clung to Alex as if he couldn’t stand on his own. It hurt so much to see Justin so beat down, but he just held on tighter and hoped that it would pass like Alex’s depression had. He wished they could find a happy medium where neither of them were depressed and they would just live as if they were normal people leading ordinary lives. 

But Alex wasn’t naive, they would never be normal. 

“What movie are we watching?” Alex asked, sending a kiss to Justin’s neck and wrapped his arms tightly around Justin under the mountain of blankets.

* * *

Justin was holding the map upside down. The question was: should Alex tell him? They were driving to the Grand Canyon as a little beginning of summer vacation. Justin had gotten off from work and Alex had finished his last exam, and then they hit the road. They had lost internet access about a few miles back and found themselves lost quickly. 

“I think you’re supposed to turn right here. I think this road will lead us back to the interstate.” Should he actually turn right or should he tell Justin that the map was upside down first? Justin had been laughing and smiling the entire car ride so far, and Alex just didn’t want that smile to go away. He also wanted Justin to have the pride of figuring out the map was upside down himself. 

He took the right turn. Two more wrong turns and the map got flipped in the right direction, by Justin. They laughed and Justin plugged his phone into the aux to play Alex some amazing song he had heard on the radio the other day. He looked so happy, with golden hour setting in on his laugh. Alex would’ve kissed him at that very moment had the memory of Zach car accident not entered his brain. Eyes on the road. When they pulled off at a roadside diner golden hour had passed, but he still gave his cheek a kiss. 

“Come on, I can see somebody eating through the window.”

“I’m just saying, Lex, there are no cars and I’m pretty sure they’re closed.” 

“The open light is still on. The greasy food won’t hurt you, I promise.” He took Justin hand and lead him to the door. Sure enough, a little bell chimes as they walked through. A waitress lead them to a table in the almost empty restaurant and handed them each a menu.

“My name is Mindy, I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with some drinks?” 

“Water is fine.”

“I’ll take a coke, thanks.” 

“I’ll be right out with those. 

Justin was rearranging the table as Alex began eyeing the menu. He switched the silverware to the opposite side of the paper placemat and moved the coffee mug to the edge of the table for Mindy to take. 

“Jus, they have some really good looking pie that we could split in celebration of summer.” Justin looked up at him and then picked up the menu. He gave an affirmative mumble but never looked up. “I think I’m going to get chicken.” 

“Mmm.” His eyes blinked up at Alex for a moment and then back to the menu. His smile looked more tired now that they’d left the car and the upside down map. 

“Babe, they have salads and healthy sandwiches too.” Justin nodded and flipped one of the pages. 

Mindy returned with their drinks and began taking their orders. Justin’s eating had gotten worse the past few months and going out had become somewhat awkward. Justin would get quiet and shy and would often stay that way the rest of the night. But they were on vacation and there was no avoiding it. He ordered a salad and practically held his breath as Mindy walked away with the menus. 

“I still can’t believe tomorrow is going to be the first time you see the Grand Canyon,” Alex began, partially trying to distract him from the food. 

“I guess it was never as close as it seemed,” Justin responded. It was the kind of answer that made Alex picture Justin’s childhood a little too much. “I’m glad I’m going to see it with you.” And his sweet smile flooded Alex’s vision instead.

“Me too.” 

They talked about the exams for a little bit and then about the police exam, then they moved on to Justin and how generous his boss had been. Justin never took a day off and had an amazing work ethic and his boss has practically given him extra vacation days. Mindy brought out their food and they slowed picked away until Alex’s plate was cleared and then they ordered apple pie. 

Justin ate about a third of the salad and two bites of the apple pie. Alex had started mentally counting everything the boy ate. He had been getting somewhat worried recently. Well, really worried. Sometimes when he stood up, he could see the dizziness in Justin’s eyes. He always needed a moment to catch his balance. He was cold, his fingers trembling in California heat. But most noticeably, he was tiny. Just looking at him, it was fairly easy to understand what was going on. Alex realized, he just wasn’t sure what to do about it.

He had been researching a lot on the internet but he still wasn’t sure exactly what he needed to do to help Justin without making it worse. He didn’t know exactly what was causing it, but he knew why Justin was feeling so depressed so he assumed it went hand in hand. Still, he had his heart set on helping Justin begin to get better this summer. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Alex cooed taking a small hand in his own. Justin smiled and let Alex stroke his wrist and fingertips. 

“You’re still the most attractive man I’ve ever known.” And then Alex was blushing. Only Justin could ever give him that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. 

They paid for the dinner and then drove another two miles to the hotel. Justin hadn’t been too happy that Alex splurged for a nice hotel when they also had to pay for gas to drive there, but Alex wanted a soft bed with a big comforter instead of a squeaky cheap-motel mattress. The Grand Canyon would be amazing, but so would a night with Justin in a nice hotel. They hadn’t been having much sex recently either. Alex wasn’t sure if Justin would even want to, but he hoped he hotel would help to set the mood. 

When they got to the room it was just was Alex had hoped it would be. The bed was a king and had so many pillows. Justin wanted to shower as soon as they got to the room. So, Alex scrolled through the TV to find a good movie to rent while he listen to the water. When Justin was finished he smelled like fresh soap and curled into the bed. His pajamas were definitely Alex’s, which weirdly meant they were too big on him. Alex’s clothes used to be too tight on Justin but now they had to be a size or two too big. 

“Hey,” Alex said softly, setting the remote on the nightstand and laying on his side to face Justin. He laid with one hand tucked under the pillow and the other finding its way into Alex’s hand. 

“Hey.” Justin was already cold, but the wet hair gave him a little extra shiver. Alex rested a hand on his cheek and rubbed behind his ear softly. 

“Sweetheart, what’s been going on with you lately? I really want to know what’s happening in that head of yours.” 

“What do you mean?” He knew exactly what Alex was asking. 

“You don’t talk to me anymore, Jus. If you’re hurting you need to tell me so I can help you. We’re in this together.” He knew he was spitting out cliches but he also knew that Justin had lived his whole life without having something he could truly count on. Alex was constantly reminding Justin that he could come to him. 

And Justin did when he had to. When he woke up in the middle of the night with a bad dream he would tell Alex every last detail, and when he had a bad day at work he would tell Alex every single reason why. But he didn’t talk about how he wasn’t eating, and it terrified Alex. 

“Why have you been so sad?” Was all that he managed to ask. Justin’s eyes couldn’t seem to meet his own. “Is it your mom, Hannah, work?” 

“No, it’s nothing like that,” Justin mumbled, letting go of Alex’s hand. 

“Please, talk to me.” 

But a little silent tear was the only response Alex got. In one swoop he sat up slightly, pulling Justin against his chest. Justin’s fingers didn’t clutch his sweater like they normally did, he just sort of hang limp against Alex as he cried into the palms of his hands. The cries grew a little louder and a little messier. The pain in Alex’s chest grew a little heavier. 

“Oh, Jus.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s alright.” He turned Justin to he could look into his eyes while keeping an arm around his back. Justin wiped the tears off his face and rested his head against Alex’s shoulder. 

“I just can’t stop thinking about the future.” That wasn’t what Alex was expecting. 

“What about the future?” 

“Our future.” Oh shit. Alex suddenly realized he didn’t have a clue what was going on in Justin’s mind. Did he want to break up, stay together, or what? 

“I still want us to be together, do you?” Alex asked almost dumbly. 

“Yes of course, I-, it’s not that. I mean-,”

“Honey, it's okay. What having you been thinking about for the future?”

“I just don’t really see what I have in my future, like besides you.” 

“Jus. What are you talking about?” 

“I have nothing. I’m not smart, I’m not gonna make a lot of money, I make shitty decisions, I can’t do anything.” His voice hitched and his lip trembled and Alex’s entire heart seemed to be shattering into a thousand little pieces. He looked so helplessly sad and there was nothing that Alex wanted him to feel less. 

“Baby. What can I do?” Alex wrapped protective arms around him. He was so bony. His hair was soft under his stubbly chin. Typical Justin, soft and sad at the same time. One thing that Alex had realized over the years was how soft Justin truly was. Years of hiding his emotions under a facade of a happy-go-lucky basketball player had convinced the world that Justin was a tough guy. And he was, in a sense. He had survived a lot. But he was covered in scars, cared about what everyone thought of him, constantly wallowed in guilt and regret, and showed all of it to Alex. He was so quiet, snuggling up on the couch watching movies. The man in the movie would hit someone and Justin’s finger would tighten around Alex. He had allowed the world to break him. 

But he wasn’t a coward, he wasn’t weak. Justin was the strongest person Alex had ever seen. It didn’t matter that his elbows stuck out of his skin, that his nightmares kept him awake at night, or that he still hid behind a facade outside of their home. He was brave, he loved with his entire soul, he was everything. 

“Justin, please look at me. In the eyes, sweetie.” Alex wiped a few tears of his cheek, cupping it gently so their eyes met. “I love you so fucking much. I don’t care what you want to do, how shitty you feel, any of that. I love the person you are. I love your soul, your heart, your mind. I can’t live my life without you. You think you don’t have a future? Nobody has a future. We’re just here together in this hotel and I’m happy. Are you happy?” 

“I’m tired, Lex. I’m so tired of feeling this way.” His eyes crumbled and his bit down hard on his lip. He was very visibly trying not to cry again. 

“Tell me what I can do. Tell me what to say. I want you to see how beautiful and incredible you are. You are everything.” 

“Lex, I-.”

“Sweetie, listen. You saved my life. You loved me when I was convinced there was nothing left inside of me. You stood by me when I was helpless and afraid. I love you and I will do the same for you a thousand times. There was a point where I had no future and you gave me one. Let me repay the favor.” 

“It’s not that easy.” 

“Justin, please. I just want you to be happy.” 

“I don’t know how to be happy. I’ve never been happy in my entire life. I love you and you make me h-happy. But besides you I have nothing. I have no family, everybody hates me, I have no career, no ambitions. I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

“Then let’s find you something that makes you happy. Let’s join a class, get a kitten, fuck it let’s get married.” 

“W-What?” His watery eyes glistened and he blinked another tear away. This time Alex did the same. 

“I have no future if you’re not in it, Jus. I love you more than anything in this world and I want you in my life forever. Will you marry me?” 

“Are you being serious right now? Are you proposing?” 

“Completely. Justin Foley, will you marry me?” 

Justin lightly slapped his arm and sat up. 

“I’m only gonna say yes if you get down on one knee and do it the right way.” Alex smiled and rolled his eyes. Little shit, of course he was making this a production. They hopped off the bed and onto the gross hotel carpet. Alex got down on one knee. 

“Are you sure you’ve thought this through.”

“Foley, shut the hell up and let me marry you.” Justin grinned and then his lip started trembling again. 

“Will you marry me?” And fuck it if he wasn’t crying by this point too. They were both crying, Justin was nodding furiously, Alex was picking him up and spinning them around the room. The mini bar was opened, the covers were tossed aside. The night passed and the future was found.

**Author's Note:**

> Found this story that I had written a while ago but never posted because I thought it was trash but I reread it and realized it’s actually premium trash. Kind of played around with their dynamics and it sort of turned okay decently okay but mostly OOC. Anyway, this is kind of all over the place but when inspiration strikes you’ve gotta take it. Happy thoughts and happy days to my readers :)


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